Woes from a Long Dong Schlong

Dear Dr. Roonie,

I've got a cock the size of my femur. (I'm 6'3".) I have trouble finding underwear that doesn't cut off circulation or shorts that are long enough to prevent "an uninvited guest" from peeking out when wearing boxers. What do I do?

Signed,

Big Man on Campus


Dear Big Man on Campus,

Aside from coming over to my apartment in between classes and turning me into a human lollipop (for experimental purposes only, of course), I have a few suggestions:

• Visit your local urologist. He may recommend that you have it surgically shortened (although do take note of the gleam of envy in his eyes when he examines you).
  
  
• Start wearing skirts with one of those nets from lacrosse sticks sewn underneath. Your reputation will precede you, solely by the fact that you'll be wearing a skirt for one reason, and one reason only (and it ain't for getting a breeze up in there, which can ONLY improve your sex life).
  
  
• Remember inner tubes? And some of them had little cartoon character heads? Wrap yours around you like an inner tube; maybe cover it up with one of those cute little scarves from Old Navy or something. No one will notice.
  
  
• Put it in a ponytail. Or pretend you've dressed up as a tiger for the day and let it hang out a hole that you cut out in the seat of your pants. Think about all the fun you could have with that option!
  
  
• Don't wear underwear or boxers at all, and tuck it down your pantleg. Invest in some Sean John leg attire; you'll pull it off just fine.
  
  
• Everyone likes a cowboy. Use it as a lasso and just wait, you'll start a new trend on campus in no time.
  
  
• If worse comes to worse, you can always go into porn. No one wears clothes in porn, like, ever.
  

Eat, drink, and be merry,
Dr. Roonie

Procrastination v. Productivity

Dear Dr. Roonie,

I think I may have a mental problem. For relatively long periods of time, I can go to work and get alot done, and enjoy doing it all. Work is fun and it is very satisfying to see progress on the various projects I work on.

My problem is that between these periods of productivity, I have significant (sometimes lasting a month or so, but usually less time than that), I go into a "funk." By that, I mean I can't get anything done; I have no motivation; I delay, procrastinate, and do the absolute bare minimum to eek by without any noticing I'm really not doing anything (hopefully).

What's my problem, and how do I fix it? BTW, I'm a lawyer.

Signed,
I'm Soooooo Funked Up

Dear Funked Up,

Being a law student, I can sympathize with your cyclical enthusiasm. It is incredibly frustrating when the work is there, but the motivation isn't. That can lead you to sink further into your funk, wondering when you'll ever be productive again.

My advice is to break away from the work completely for awhile. You can't be expected to operate at full throttle 100% of the time. Do the minimum that is required to get by, and reinvigorate YOURSELF. Sit down with a Newsweek, find yourself an awesome new CD, or get out to the gym and, instead of participating in monotonous activities, try playing squash or swimming or get into a karate class. You need to refresh your spirit, your energy, and your vigor for life in down times such as the ones you experience. Go out and commiserate with friends, eat some food you really like. It's like taking a few hours of vacation each day. You'll be surprised as to what it'll do for your psyche.

Hope that was good. I feel ya, dawg.

Eat, drink, and be merry,
Dr. Roonie