Woes from a Long Dong Schlong

Dear Dr. Roonie,

I've got a cock the size of my femur. (I'm 6'3".) I have trouble finding underwear that doesn't cut off circulation or shorts that are long enough to prevent "an uninvited guest" from peeking out when wearing boxers. What do I do?

Signed,

Big Man on Campus


Dear Big Man on Campus,

Aside from coming over to my apartment in between classes and turning me into a human lollipop (for experimental purposes only, of course), I have a few suggestions:

• Visit your local urologist. He may recommend that you have it surgically shortened (although do take note of the gleam of envy in his eyes when he examines you).
  
  
• Start wearing skirts with one of those nets from lacrosse sticks sewn underneath. Your reputation will precede you, solely by the fact that you'll be wearing a skirt for one reason, and one reason only (and it ain't for getting a breeze up in there, which can ONLY improve your sex life).
  
  
• Remember inner tubes? And some of them had little cartoon character heads? Wrap yours around you like an inner tube; maybe cover it up with one of those cute little scarves from Old Navy or something. No one will notice.
  
  
• Put it in a ponytail. Or pretend you've dressed up as a tiger for the day and let it hang out a hole that you cut out in the seat of your pants. Think about all the fun you could have with that option!
  
  
• Don't wear underwear or boxers at all, and tuck it down your pantleg. Invest in some Sean John leg attire; you'll pull it off just fine.
  
  
• Everyone likes a cowboy. Use it as a lasso and just wait, you'll start a new trend on campus in no time.
  
  
• If worse comes to worse, you can always go into porn. No one wears clothes in porn, like, ever.
  

Eat, drink, and be merry,
Dr. Roonie